Cough, Cough, Hack, Hack, Spit.
Those are the lovely noises I get to hear every day when my dad is home. Then he shakes the unprescribed inhaler, as though that is going to fix it. I hear the sliding glass door push open and closed as he goes out for another. Not 30 minutes later, the sound resonates again….
I swear that man is going to die of Lung Cancer, it seems that this is all he does. They go through a carton a week and I don’t understand. I may be slightly hippocritical because I used to smoke but I don’t anymore. It’s far to unattractive to be hacking up a lung, and OH the smell….I wish He would quit, it’s killing him…
Pants on the ground
Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground
With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat
Lookin’ like a fool, walkin’ to the town
With your pants on the ground!
I hate how ppl are so persistent when it comes to hanging out or whatever…dude I’ve got a friend visiting. I’m sorry that I get to see ya’ll all the time, but I havent seen my bestie in 4 months and shes here now…shoot. Im not freaking trying to ignore anyone….grrr just irritated.
Of course I’m irittated. Our country has free public school systems as a privelege and yet youre to unmotivated to even care. The diploma isnt going to just fall into your palms…you have to WORK! By god I did…no it wasnt always easy. Whether or not our public education is good or not it is still a privelege that we have…Im frusterated because here I am sturggling to pay for my higher education…I’m borrowing $5500 and every cent I will pay off…but here I am struggling to go to school that i have to pay for while you wallow away and bitch and complain about being old and feeling dumb. Blame yourself and no one else…but dont complain to me…its only the third fucking day of school. I’m not your mama and I shouldnt be freaking out so bad but it just irks my shit to see you acting like a failure when you say you dream about becoming more…then prove it!
i hate how i look..
I hate how unattractive i am..
i hate me….
i hate you.
i hate hate…hate
I did what I wanted….or i thought I wanted.
I want the quarter to end…but I dont….
I wish I could know him better. I wish I could spend another night with him…
so hot in a nerdy way….
Gah…whats gonna happen to this bond that has been created with all of these people that I’ve gotten close with these past two quarters….
I need to get over my childish wishes and dreams. Once a relationship is over, it’s fuckin over. it’ll never happen again. After all of this time I think I have let him go but not nearly to the extent that I have to. I think he just occupies my time and thoughts when I dont have anyone else which has been true pretty much since him.
I just found out that he had sex with the girl that he wanted to be with but didnt think things would work out. he thinks his chances are better. i just wanted to see him. I just wanted a miracle. But that didnt happen and its not going to either…….
Send me a valentine……
whats the point when you have no one to give your heart to or love?
So I really wanted to see HIM….the guy I’ve loved for 3 years, granted Im not IN love with him but I would pretty much do ANYTHING for him. He was in Seattle on leave from Iraq…well Yakima/Seattle for about 2 weeks. He was in Seattle this week until today and it just sucks. We didnt see eachother. I had anxiety attacks over just the POSSIBILITY of seeing him. I hate it. I just wanted to see him….that would have made me soo happy. I mean his mom lives in Seattle and he said he couldnt escape and that I understand. I’m not mad at him, Im mad at the situation.
I have finally realized I am depressed….the happy pills cover it up well….I realize I have no one really….I dont have any friends in my class that we do anything outside of school, Marie and I have drifted, and Britney if your reading this, I miss you hella. I think that if Rebecca were not here, we would still be the way we were. Remember if you EVER need anything, I am here.
I just feel like no matter what I do, how I act, or what I say, I’m never good enough to have friends….im locked inside myself because others do not seem to want to take the time to come in…and I dont understand why…I mean its ALWAYS been this way, ever since I was little, I’ve never had many friends and the ones I have at the moment, drift apart and far away, out of my reach.
I still feel like everyone around me is happy, but im not sure when my time will come. theres nothing like finding out an ex got married…Haha….wow…that was interesting, I’m not jealous of the chick that said I do….but its just the thought….the only person that matters to me and that I love in a romantic way, is severly unhappy, I’ve been talking to my ex bf who is a soldier and he is stuck in Hell on earth……Iraq….I want to make him happy, but Im afraid that he is so lost….Some day I hope that someway we could be together. I’ve always loved him, and I never stopped even when i was supposed to.
I’m rambling….but it feels good….